Amelia's Journey: From Single Able Bodied Teen to Married Disabled Mum
I was only 19 years old when I had the accident that changed my life. Overnight, I went from carefree dancing on crowded, sticky club dance floors to a reality where I could no longer walk to the bathroom let alone outside. In this blog, I want to share the life that followed my accident from a young single teen, without worries or responsibilities to suddenly facing anxiety-filled questions about my future, including whether I would ever be able to have children or even date again.
After arriving at the hospital and being told I had broken my back and permanently damaged my spinal cord, the panic started to set in. Would I be able to walk again? Would I be able to live independently? After it was explained to me that I would be partially paralysed from the waist down permanently, I realised that the fairy-tale future life I had envisioned was gone. My concern didn't go straight to whether I'd be able to have children, as this simply wasn't on my radar at the time, but it was for the people around me. Not only friends and family, but strangers also often asked if it now meant I would never be a parent too. In fact, whether I’d lost my ability to have babies got an unusual level of interest, which then eventually created a deep concern in my head. I carried the weight of this with me silently for years, moving through my early 20s, and not knowing whether I was going to be able to have children or not became increasingly hard. When I asked medical professionals, there was no clear answer. Whilst neurologically speaking my accident hadn’t compromised my ability to conceive; carrying a baby, giving birth to it and navigating the early days with a baby was unknown. The bottom line? I would need to assess my symptoms when the time came and then and only then would it be clear as to whether they might pose increased risks to myself and/or a baby.
When I was eventually discharged from the hospital and I was able to feel semi 'me' again, I did start dating. Who knew the list of mental challenges that came with dating would actually be longer than the list of physical challenges! Should I tell them about my disability before we met? If so, when? And how much? The stick is one thing but the rest is more complicated! Should I do online dating? Then when do you mention it? In the first few messages? Should I even write it on my dating profile? I also remember feeling a huge sense of anxiety about whether I should warn any guy I met that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to have children. But alongside these invisible hurdles were the very obvious visible ones, like, what if the place we go isn't accessible? How far will I have to walk to get there? Are there loads of stairs? So, to appease some of these concerns, I used to do 'test runs.' Yep, that's right. I'd actually do a trial run to the chosen bar/restaurant and make sure I was confident with it before the actual date. Let's be honest, going on a first date is nerve-wracking enough without adding the stress of whether you're actually going to be able to make it to the table! I also learned very quickly that comfort needed to come above bold, slightly dangerous, fashion choices. I didn't need to add a broken ankle to my list of problems because I got brave and wore stilettos to meet someone I didn't even know.
However, the reality was that I did not enjoy dating and therefore chose to keep it to a minimum! I had a couple of long-term relationships before I met my husband and dated sporadically in between, but I was honestly terrible at it—or maybe dating is just terrible? Either way, I was very glad to see the back of it!
I met my husband very organically, THANK GOODNESS. There were no dating profiles, swiping, or "is he going to message back" anxiety. We were at a wedding in a photobooth when we first spoke. He was best friends with the groom, and I was best friends with the bride, who a couple of months later set us up on a date—and the rest is history. As cliché as the saying is, "when you know, you know," very early on I did know that dating him was very different from the other dates I'd been on. I never felt scared or intimidated by the logistics of meeting up, just the normal nerves that everyone should get when going on dates. This was a very clear sign to me that he was someone I needed to spend more time with. It wasn't about anything more than a feeling of being completely safe to be myself (and the fact he made me laugh A LOT).
I decided very early on after my accident that I wouldn't bring up children unless I was asked about them, and I stuck with this when dating my husband. We were actually together for a year before the subject even came up, and when it did, his response was, "whatever happens, we will figure it out," and that was it. I learned a lot through my younger years when dating and being in relationships, but what my husband taught me was that the right person will love you no matter what. They will make you feel safe, supported, and loved, and that's what we all deserve. Disability or not, no one should settle for any less.
In 2016 when I was 30, we got married and a short six months later I fell pregnant with our first son. I was instantly told by the doctors that it wasn't going to be an easy experience for me and they weren't wrong. I was exhausted, beyond anything I'd ever felt before, and the daily pain I was in was off the charts. I didn't feel as though I was in a position to ask for more support than I was getting because I 'chose' pregnancy even with all the warnings from the medical professionals. I knew having children was something I wanted no matter how tricky they said it would be for me. So, I did my best to just take all the awful symptoms it came with on the chin, but by 30 weeks, things became unbearable; I wasn't able to walk anymore, and I was hospitalised due to pain. This resulted in me being on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy, which at that point felt like a relief, as I wasn't physically able to do anything other than lie down! However, this didn't help the increasing concerns in my head around my birth. Throughout the whole 9 months, no medical professional was able to give me a straight answer on what my birthing plan would look like. Every doctor had something different to say, so I spent my entire pregnancy uncertain about how exactly I was going to give birth! I wasn't told until the DAY of my c-section that I wouldn't be having an epidural because it wasn’t safe, and instead, the doctors opted for a general anaesthetic. I was obviously thrilled that they chose this option as it was the safest one for me and my baby, but I'm still baffled to this day that I was left for 9 months to worry with no answers.
All that said, my son became my greatest achievement, the doctors were really pleased with how the pregnancy and birth had gone and so I decided a little sibling for my son was definitely a goer! Two years later I was lucky enough to have my second son. I absolutely adore my children and my husband; they have changed my whole world for the better and made every part of my life infinitely more enjoyable. It has given me a family unit of my own, filled with inexplicable love and adoration. It’s given me direction and purpose with my work, and I’ve built a new life with my family in the countryside, which has been a game changer for my health.
My best piece of advice to anyone reading this who's faced with a life-changing diagnosis, chronic illness or disability is TRUST YOUR GUT! Never forget that you are more resilient than most. 🖤
If you are in the mood for more 'love' themed stories, then we recommend giving these three blogs a read:
